Live by & Love in Faith

Author: NLT

  • So much has … Changed

    Charlie-

    It’s been almost 2 weeks since you passed. Look, I’m writing you as if I knew you. I didn’t. You have no idea who I am or how insignificant I am to this world, yet I feel like I lost a family member of my own. I didn’t know you like your friends knew you. I knew only your public-self portrayed. But I grieve just the same. Why?

    I feel like in a sense, I can feel what Erika is going through. Not that I want to compare (she wins.) A few years ago I had a similar situation with my own spouse, which put me through PTSD. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if they’d just died. (Not that I want/wish death… I’m forever grateful for my 2nd chance.) Let me explain. My spouse went into cardiac arrest not once, but twice during covid. So I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t be with them… and I had to go through their heart stopping for a total of 30 min during that BY MY SELF. So the struggle and all the angry feelings a spouse would have, because suddenly their lives have now changed, I get that. I also get feeling incredible amounts of pain with possibly facing life without them. And maybe it wouldn’t have been so torturous if I didn’t have to go through that twice. A finality, if you will… but I went through it twice. My spouse did survive and again, I’m forever grateful. So in that aspect, she can take all the time and need to grieve she needs to have. But in a sense, like I said, I get it.

    Anger. Your spouse/best friend was just taken away from you suddenly and without any warning.

    Fear. (Especially when children are involved.) Again, I will be grateful my children were older- near adults. But this could’ve been my madness to the continued PTSD. I had basically nothing to keep me “busy.” If the kiddos were younger, I might’ve not won the worst parent of the year award that year. (They will never admit it, but I know I wasn’t at my best.)

    Sheer gut wrenching heartache. A piece of you died the same time. Your spouse dies. If you don’t get this, then maybe your marriage isn’t as grand as you think it is.

    Genesis 2:24 A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

    When we become one we are one unit. When one dies, a part of us dies with them the union we had… and we have to go forward in life without that. I can see where anger and justification would want to come into play.

    I’ve never used the word hate to take someone with. Rarely do I use the word. I will say I hate something (working, cleaning, repeating myself or dealing with idiots..) but I’ve never said “I hate you!” My body recoils at that statement and I can’t so much as say it. But I could see and easily understand if that word would be used here. To hate someone because they took you away.

    I could see how someone would have that hate. Especially after what happened. I have to remember who I am and who I want to be. I want to be Christ-like and I can’t help but want to emulate all that you were. Work Harder, Be Better. I can’t be a better person if I harbor hate. And I can’t be a better Christian if I don’t work harder at it.

    So to Charlie, I want to thank you. Thank you for what you’ve done for our country. Thank you for how you’ve lived your live and by those examples, I want to live mine too. I will never be the greatest debater you had achieved- I simply don’t know enough facts to save myself. But I’m not afraid to learn and I will continue to stand. For you. For me and for the rest that haven’t realized this yet. Thank you.

  • Much needed relaxation!

    Last night I read comfortably by the fire using my new clicker-hands-free page-turner. Not to mention, this is a very good book, recommended by the community we live in! The Book Club reading club starts Feb 22nd. I’m already halfway through the book! I’m really enjoying it. With work being as busy as it is, the relaxation is nice too.

  • I keep hearing things

    I’ve already told my husband I think he should give up Facebook. Apparently a “family member” either deleted their account or blocked my son based solely on his beliefs and the way my son feels about the government. While I know none of this to be true, what I do know is, this entire “family” has held a grudge and has been nothing but hateful towards all of us based on our beliefs and what we think.

    You don’t have to be Christian to know that’s not love.

    I don’t understand how family can do that to you. I don’t understand how you can hold your own beliefs and not love your family and support them that much more? It does not compute to me. I don’t care if my sons do something I absolutely hate. I’m not going to stop loving or talking to them just because of that. If anything, while I may not agree with them, I will love them and support them more because they are standing up for what they believe in. That is what family is supposed to do. That is what love is.

    God has shown us the ultimate way to love someone by giving us freewill. Sure he sacrificed his Son… that too shows a lo of love. The grace and the love God has for us despite our short comings is what we must strive for and ascertain. I mean wouldn’t you?

    So no… I don’t get this family and their decisions on what they’re doing all because something was said or done or whatever. I don’t get that.. to me that is far worse than the family member who is a drunk and spends all the money and is blatantly selfish on what it means to be a family. I don’t know what that is… but that isn’t love…

  • Words cannot express

    I cannot say how happy and in love I am with this place on where we live. Here, we’ve been here just over a month, just a handful of boxes left to put away and my house is CLEAN! There is not wall-to-wall furniture. No room is crammed full of everyone’s stuff. Each person has a get-away spot to just be when they need a moment to themselves!

    Now when we found out we were accepted, I immediately wanted to make this God’s house. It is still open for that. I don’t know what that means or how that is to be, but I couldn’t have done anything like this without him.

  • So much has been going on!

    I must first give thanks! I thank the Lord for all he has done and provided… both seen and unseen. My goal right now is to acknowledge his blessings, both positive and negative because He has provided them for me for growth as a Christian in becoming better and more toward His steward.

    I feel very blessed in that here it is January 30th, 2 days before the first of next month and not only have I paid rent and all the bills, but the account is still in the positive! I only pray this is something that continues, as there are debts that are owed and I want to pay off.

    Secondly, I’ve been working hard at keep and getting this place into a home. I apparently have made this place so cozy – my angelfish in my communal fish tank bred over the last 24 hrs and have a nice brood going. Despite all the videos I’ve been watching, my pair are really good parents at fanning and air-rating the eggs and chasing off other fish. My son is itching to get another tank going to make just an Angel-only tank so we can have that available for other breeding pairs.

  • In His presence.

    I’ve been needing a lot of assurance lately. My anxiety and nerves with this move are putting me through the wringer. I feel so much better when I get to spend time in my Bible or just listening to some random prayer/video online that is talking about God. I’m learning that I need to rethink how I do things. I’m not supposed to do things on my own.

    While I realize I’m a grown adult and fully capable, I don’t think I’m supposed to feel these feelings of dread and fear at something new and exciting. Not that I’m in fear… I do want this. So badly, I wanted to be already moved! There are a lot of factors that are just simply out of my control. That doesn’t bother me, per se, I just had certain expectations and desires on how things were to be done, and I don’t think that will be happening now.

    1 Chronicles 16:11 Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

  • Header Image.

    It’s been almost 20 years since I last had to learn CSS (the hard way- and self taught) to create a blog theme. I’m slowly getting to know the newly and much more modern WordPress of today than it was in the mid-2000s.

    I created my own header logo. It’s nothing spectacular but it is my own. As I get to know this new system I hope to create a place that I can enjoy thoroughly.

  • No new keys yet… :(

    We went over to the townhouse location to hopefully start moving and they weren’t ready. He is going to try and have them ready for tomorrow but no promises. We are trying to move before the 20th because my husband has some projects that he’s going to be busy on and unavailable for for moving.

    Praying things work out. It will work out in God’s plan and in God’s time. This much I do know.

  • With all the studying I’m doing, I find it very strange a lot of what I’m reading can be applied to my life, currently.

    This is my bible study. I’m following a chronological study with “Heart Dive” on youtube. I have an Inspire bible I purchased in 2018 that I’m finally putting to good use and I’m adding my own interleaved papers/notes as I go.

    We’re currently in the middle of a very stressful time right now, having to move. We gave this issue to God and just like anytime before, it never ceases to amaze me that He has So much more in store than what my simple mind could ever imagine. We are moving into an upgrade, as our family (now 4 adults) have outgrown our 2 bedroom place. We are moving to a 4 bedroom place. This gives everyone their own room. I work from home, with sensitive information and they’d really like for me to be in a room by myself. Success! I have an office!

    When we started this process well over a month ago, I was feeling very discouraged and distraught because this move wasn’t exactly something I was planning. It was kind of forced upon us. We thought, initially, we’d get a house but – again with no plans of moving, we weren’t in the place financially or with our credit to really look at getting a home.

    I felt hopeless. But during this time, I was spending many hours (close to 20 hours a week) in this bible study. I was learning that everything I was feeling (negative, anxious, fear, doubt, all the things that lead to pain and knots in my stomach and chest) WERE NOT OF GOD. God would never make or leave you to feel like that. I’m also learning that our feelings are not of God. If we’re acting on our feelings, then we’re not in faith!

    And so during those dark moments, I heard something tell me “just wait.” While I have to believe this to be true, I’m looking at the calendar going… ok but like there is a time crunch. And now here we are on the night of possibly getting the keys tomorrow and having the glorious place we could only dream of!

  • Welcome to the birth of Live by, & Love in Faith.

    I hope to write encouraging and thoughtful posts. Maybe a little bit of my bible study journey on reading the bible chronologically over the next year and other thoughts and dairy entries.

    Things here are a bit chaotic but once they calm down I hope to post here regularly.