So much has … Changed

Charlie-

It’s been almost 2 weeks since you passed. Look, I’m writing you as if I knew you. I didn’t. You have no idea who I am or how insignificant I am to this world, yet I feel like I lost a family member of my own. I didn’t know you like your friends knew you. I knew only your public-self portrayed. But I grieve just the same. Why?

I feel like in a sense, I can feel what Erika is going through. Not that I want to compare (she wins.) A few years ago I had a similar situation with my own spouse, which put me through PTSD. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if they’d just died. (Not that I want/wish death… I’m forever grateful for my 2nd chance.) Let me explain. My spouse went into cardiac arrest not once, but twice during covid. So I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t be with them… and I had to go through their heart stopping for a total of 30 min during that BY MY SELF. So the struggle and all the angry feelings a spouse would have, because suddenly their lives have now changed, I get that. I also get feeling incredible amounts of pain with possibly facing life without them. And maybe it wouldn’t have been so torturous if I didn’t have to go through that twice. A finality, if you will… but I went through it twice. My spouse did survive and again, I’m forever grateful. So in that aspect, she can take all the time and need to grieve she needs to have. But in a sense, like I said, I get it.

Anger. Your spouse/best friend was just taken away from you suddenly and without any warning.

Fear. (Especially when children are involved.) Again, I will be grateful my children were older- near adults. But this could’ve been my madness to the continued PTSD. I had basically nothing to keep me “busy.” If the kiddos were younger, I might’ve not won the worst parent of the year award that year. (They will never admit it, but I know I wasn’t at my best.)

Sheer gut wrenching heartache. A piece of you died the same time. Your spouse dies. If you don’t get this, then maybe your marriage isn’t as grand as you think it is.

Genesis 2:24 A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

When we become one we are one unit. When one dies, a part of us dies with them the union we had… and we have to go forward in life without that. I can see where anger and justification would want to come into play.

I’ve never used the word hate to take someone with. Rarely do I use the word. I will say I hate something (working, cleaning, repeating myself or dealing with idiots..) but I’ve never said “I hate you!” My body recoils at that statement and I can’t so much as say it. But I could see and easily understand if that word would be used here. To hate someone because they took you away.

I could see how someone would have that hate. Especially after what happened. I have to remember who I am and who I want to be. I want to be Christ-like and I can’t help but want to emulate all that you were. Work Harder, Be Better. I can’t be a better person if I harbor hate. And I can’t be a better Christian if I don’t work harder at it.

So to Charlie, I want to thank you. Thank you for what you’ve done for our country. Thank you for how you’ve lived your live and by those examples, I want to live mine too. I will never be the greatest debater you had achieved- I simply don’t know enough facts to save myself. But I’m not afraid to learn and I will continue to stand. For you. For me and for the rest that haven’t realized this yet. Thank you.